How to teach children to treat their father's new wife who used to be the "mistress"? The story of a single mother with two daughters aged 14 and 15 shared on a forum recently attracted attention.
She said that she had been divorced for 2 years because her ex-husband had an affair with a woman who was not beautiful but was very rich and talented. When she discovered it, she decided to divorce and not try to hold on because she knew she was not her opponent. She was unemployed and rented a house to raise her two children. Her husband left 2 small apartments for the mother and children to rent out, had income and he also fully supported them according to the court's decision, still showed his love for his daughter even if it was just texting, occasionally meeting and taking the children out to eat.
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The problem is, it's been more than four years since everything happened, and she's tried to let go of her resentment. But she still can't let it go.
"Today my eldest daughter asked me if I have stopped hating her after a while, because now she doesn't feel like she hates her father's new wife anymore. Although I know I shouldn't teach my daughter to hate, I still feel sad and disappointed after hearing my daughter say that. I feel like she's a bit selfish when she only thinks about herself. Am I wrong, moms? And how should I teach my daughter to behave when she visits her paternal grandparents when she lives with them?", the mother wondered.
Do not sow hatred in your heart, but...
The story of the mother above attracted many debates with opposing views. Many people advised her to let go, because she was the only one waiting for the old train, everyone was on a new journey, including the children. We forgive not because they deserve forgiveness, but because we deserve peace. And only when the mother is at peace can the children spread that positive energy.
Looking at it from another perspective, she is living quite happily (having children, money, independence and freedom, not having to be responsible to anyone, not being scolded by anyone...). If the child loves his father, then the father will love him back, if the stepmother loves her, then the stepmother will also love her back and take care of the child. Resentment only makes the child suffer more.
However, many others believe that such a big emotional wound cannot be let go just like that. The mother's reaction of feeling hurt when her child "forgives" her father's new lover is also understandable. Suppose her husband is also in trouble, the new wife is also in trouble financially, and is not happy to take care of the two daughters, then I wonder if the child feels "not hating" that new wife?
I am also 14, 15 years old, I also somewhat understand that words can hurt my mother, but still say it, as a mother, everyone is very sad, very hurt. I wish I could encourage my mother to live her life happily, not to mention whether she still hates that woman or not, it would be better. I am somewhat indifferent to my mother's feelings.
One person suggested: "If I were you, I would explain clearly why our family cannot live happily together. Your father and that girl did wrong to your mother, so it will be very difficult for her to forget completely. But you are different because you have your rights. No matter what, your father is still your father. Whether you hate or like your father's new wife has nothing to do with me.
No one can live in hatred forever. But I just hope that when you grow up, you will not learn from your father and her when it comes to love and marriage. Always remember that you have the right to live happily, but that happiness cannot be built by harming the lives and happiness of others.
I have to let my child see what is wrong, what should not be done, how people should not treat each other. At the same time, I will try to let go and live a better, happier life, to let my child see that in this life, he must cherish himself, not allow anyone to hurt him... Always live happily like his mother...
Because they are both daughters, the child will be greatly influenced by the mother's way of life and way of thinking. I think you should not avoid it, but frankly discuss your feelings with your daughter, like a mother sharing experiences, like a friend sharing confidences."
According to many parents, letting their children live with the same discomfort and frustration in their hearts as they have for so many years, surely the mother will not feel happy. Children also have their own lives and thoughts. If you find it difficult to let go or say nice things, limit mentioning that person. Consider them as a passerby. Do not nag or curse at your children.
With your husband, if you can't be friendly, be professional, in other words, mature. "Treat each other like business partners. Your business is raising your child to be a happy, healthy person," says Bec Jones, a divorce and parenting expert in the UK. Maintain as much stability as possible, and badmouthing your child will only upset them. A child's love for their parents will never change, so not badmouthing each other is a way to maintain that love.
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