Living in a 3-generation family but still lonely

Families with three generations (grandparents, parents, children) are increasingly separated. In one house, grandparents sometimes cook and eat separately, while parents eat with their children outside.

During the holidays, many families spend time together, going sightseeing and having fun - Photo: HAI QUYNH

Living with her children and grandchildren, for more than 2 years now, Ms. NVT (65 years old, residing in Binh Thanh District, Ho Chi Minh City) and her husband have had to eat separately.

Living together but rarely talking to children and grandchildren

Mrs. T. has two sons, but she lives with the youngest son because, according to her, "the youngest son has an easygoing personality." Since the day her youngest son was about to get married, she had the house they were living in demolished and a new house built according to her youngest son's wishes.

The youngest son's wife gave birth to their first and second children. During this time, Mr. and Mrs. T. were busy cooking and taking care of their grandchildren. As the children grew older, family life changed a lot.

One fine day, the youngest son and his wife told their grandparents that their children now had to go to extra classes in the evenings. It was tiring for them to wait for dinner, so they decided to take their children out to eat, then take them to extra classes for convenience.

Although Mrs. T. told her that on days when the children could come home early and didn't have to go to extra classes, she would cook for them to eat together, the youngest son and his wife still insisted on the refrain "it's more convenient for our family to eat out." So from then on, Mr. and Mrs. T. had to eat separately. Occasionally, on weekends, the whole family had a "gathering" meal with all members.

Living with her children and grandchildren, Mrs. T. has less and less time to meet and talk with them. Every morning at around 7am, her children and grandchildren come downstairs to say goodbye to their grandparents and then rush to work or school. On days when they come home before 9pm, the children and grandchildren say goodbye to their grandparents and then go to their rooms. On days when the family comes home late, the grandparents have already turned off the lights and gone to bed to get up early the next morning to exercise. On weekends, the children go to work or stay in their rooms to watch movies, while each grandchild has a phone.

Many times, Mrs. T. thinks that because life in the city is too busy, or because the views of the generations are increasingly different, even though she lives with her children and grandchildren, the times she meets and talks are becoming increasingly rare!

Looking back, Mrs. T. realized that her thinking was much different from her children's. For example, her husband and she only liked to eat at home for the sake of family, but her son and daughter-in-law thought that eating at restaurants was more convenient, less time-consuming, and that time was spent doing more important work, or if there was nothing to do, then that time was for relaxing.

Mrs. T. believes that children do not need to go to extra classes that much, telling her children that they need to rest and learn how to do housework... When hearing that, her daughter-in-law said: "Mom, times are very different now. Now there are vacuum cleaners, floor cleaners, dishwashers, washing machines... not to mention if needed, you can hire a maid. In this era, if you don't go to extra classes, you'll fall behind, Mom!".

Must ignore one's own children

Her husband died early, Mrs. NNM (62 years old, living in District 7) lives with her only son and his wife. Mrs. M. said that her son and daughter-in-law studied abroad together, met there, then returned to Ho Chi Minh City to get married.

At first, her son planned to rent a house after getting married, but she refused. Mrs. M. lives in a spacious villa in District 7 with many empty rooms. After so many years away from her son, she just wants to be with him.

When her granddaughter was born, the whole family's life was turned upside down. Different views on raising grandchildren and children made the family tense. Her children wanted to sleep in their own room from a young age, with cameras installed to monitor them. Although Mrs. M. tried to "go along", she was afraid that something might happen to her granddaughter at night, so she would occasionally go into her granddaughter's room to keep an eye on her.

Her children are also fed and put to sleep on schedule. When she teaches her children to eat, her daughter-in-law feeds them Japanese style, each type of food separately, while she thinks that Vietnamese people should eat Vietnamese style, mixing food with all groups of nutrients.

Once, her son told her directly: "Our views are too different, if you want to interfere in our way of raising children, then we have no choice but to move out and live separately."

Since then, even though she saw many things that were wrong, she still practiced "ignoring". "Ignoring strangers is easy, but ignoring your own children is really painful", Mrs. M. shared tearfully.

Although she loves her grandmother very much and wants to please her, PTP (19 years old, living in Phu Nhuan District) still admits that her grandmother's point of view is very different from hers. For young people like her, wearing shorts in public is normal, but every time she wears them, her grandmother feels very uncomfortable because she is afraid of being judged.

She also advised her to "study hard, get a stable job after graduation, and get married", while she wanted to freely explore this world, so having a stable job or getting married was not important.

Many times P. shared this with her mother, her mother said that she was old, so she should put herself in her shoes to understand her better. In addition, P.'s mother also pointed out that the task of both mother and daughter was to make her happy. P. thought that her mother was right, but she hoped that her grandmother and mother would update the "new things" of the younger generation to understand the younger generation better!

Being close but not sharing enough with each other is not uncommon in many multi-generational families living together. Should each generation just understand how the other generation is different so that even if they cannot reconcile, they can still sympathize and respect each other's differences. As well as, to make themselves more comfortable...

Source: https://tuoitre.vn/khi-song-chung-trong-gia-dinh-3-the-he-ma-van-co-don-20241110092437404.htm